Enough

It’s been quiet here lately.  During the day I think about it.  This space.  My tiny corner of the web that has, over the years, become sacred to me.  My sanity.  My therapy.  My reminder of who I am and how I am.  This teeny tiny space has been my starting point of discovery and revelation, and time and time again has reminded me. . . don’t take yourself too seriously.

But sometimes?  Sometimes, I forget.  Sometimes I look around me and see all the “big” in the world and I am reminded of how very “little” I am.  I see the world changers and the mountain movers.  The go-getters and movers and shakers.  I see them and I see me and then it happens. . .

I shrink.

Unknowingly, I’ve stepped into a landmine that explodes all around me, leaving the repeated accusation in my ear that says. . .  you’re not enough.  

It happens easily.  Well, for me it does.  Social media and the 2 second news cycle often reminds me of how much better he is and she is than I am.  I see how one persons beautifully woven words can impact thousands, and I silence myself.  I watch jet setters and world explores have experiences that are far more exciting than my own and I’m certain, I have nothing to offer.

I remember back to the days when I was going to change the world.  I was certain I would use my life for good.  First, it was as a youth pastor and then as a therapist.  The dreams were big and my reach would be far, I just knew it.  I was going to travel and see the world.  I was going to do good.  The plans were big.  My calender would be full. 

In the end, those were short stops on my journey, because one day I was called Mama. 

A look around opens my eyes to the waded up diaper that I left in the corner.  I see the crumbs that have fallen and been left untouched on the kitchen floor (for the second day in a row) and the pile of dirty laundry that is lying on the floor because I have yet to unload the clean clothes from the laundry baskets.  Leaving the house takes careful planning (don’t forget the diaper bag).  Oh, and the calender?  We mark the date for the start of the new season of Dancing with the Stars.

Not exactly the exotic life I so naively anticipated. 

And sometimes when I am drowning in whiny toddler moments, moody little boy moments and chaotic household moments I wonder. . . what would it feel like to have one of those “big” lives. . .


But then, when I least expect it, I am struck with reality. . .

. . . this is as big as it gets.

Once I pull my head out of the sand and remove all the youarenotenough shrapnel from all over my body, it is crystal clear to me that this little life we have fits like a glove.

Certainly, tending to little lives is tiring.  Downright exhausting, really.  Quiet moments are few and far between.  Solitude is reserved for the bathroom, if we’re lucky.  And finishing a conversation in one sitting?  I think the last time that happened was 8 years ago. 

But one clear look into their eyes reminds me of how quickly this is really going.  These years with them are flying by and I don’t want to miss it because I was stuck thinking that life was somewhere out there. 

It’s not out there, it’s right here. . .

It’s right now. . .

When I am thinking with my more rational mind I understand that before I know it, the echo of their feet dancing on the kitchen floor will be just a memory and the annoyance of cleaning up 3000 animals from our living room will be something for which I long.  It won’t be long before the school bus passes right by our house without slowing down to pick up or drop off little ones.

You see, the thing that I do–the thing that I hate that I do–is I think that life is supposed to be a certain way or that “big” means “BIG” when really “big” is just a silly word that has no meaning at all.  (Did you get that?) I guess what happens when I come here (and allow myself to think with my God-given brain) is that I remind myself that the role that I am in right now–this Mommy gig–is the most important role I will ever have. 

Let’s face it,  I’m not a world traveler or a mover and a shaker. . .

But I am a lover of these three souls and maybe, just maybe, in some small way. . .

. . . that will be world changing. 

World changing or not, I see it now.  To love them and our precious little life is enough.

And suddenly the echo is my ear has changed. . .

You are enough.

“Anyone can slay a dragon …but try waking up every morning and loving
the world all over again. That’s what takes a real hero.”
-Brian Andreas