I don’t do change well. I never have, really. Oh, I wish I was one of those people who soared through change with the strength of The Incredible Hulk and the courage of Superman. One of those people who faced change head on and embraced it like a long lost friend. I’m just not that girl. I don’t wear a cape and I’m usually staring too longingly “back there” to ever see what might lie ahead.
I’ve spent most of this week with a perpetual lump in my throat. This lump seems to have not only set down it’s suitcases, but unpacked and settled in for a long stay, as well. Most of the time I’m able to ignore my new resident, but if there is ever a moment of quiet, it’s presence is made known. . . hey Summer, it taunts me, I’m still here. . .you can’t ignore me. A few understanding words from our Miss Nancy earlier this week produced immediate tears and just today an afternoon picnic with Lisa turned into a sob session for Summer.
Each evening this week I’ve tried to explain my behavior to myself (and poor Chad who is subjected to my over-analyzations (a word I apparently made up according to the red line appearing under it)). I’ve blamed my heightened emotional state on the painful poison ivy that still covers my body. I’ve blamed my still swollen mouth from Monday’s oral surgery. I’ve blamed it on lack of sleep and over exhaustion. I’ve blamed it on the constant presence of a very fussy, teething baby. I’ve even blamed it on my Mom. I’ve blamed it on everything when really, I think it’s one thing. . .
Adjustment.
We are just over a week into this first grade thing and I will be honest. . . we are, or at least I am, still adjusting*. For so many years I have become so accustomed to scenes like this. . .
. . . that scenes like this. . .
Believe me, I know all the logical reasoning and healthy explanations behind such changes. . . this is all a part of life, time marches on, this is good for him, these changes make him better, this is all a part of life, separation is healthy and necessary. Contrary to what some of my writings might suggest. . . I’m a pretty logical person.
On the other hand. . . adjustments take time for me and sometimes they hurt. I want to hold on, with a white knuckle grip, to the laid back days of no schedules and endless time together. I want to continue p.j. days and picnics in the park. I want to slow down the hands of time. . . and I can’t.
So I do what I’ve done for most of my life. . . I look at it, I talk and write about it, I grieve it, and I pay those days the respect that they are due. . .
We all miss Charlie during the day*. His personality was the more dominate of my older pair and he tended to take the lead. Now, we are adjusting to a different dynamic and what we’ve found that different is just that. . . different. I’ve noticed that Chanelle has been more interested in “girl” things. For example, the first day Charlie was gone for the day Chanelle brought out her curlers. . . can you put curlers in my hair, Mommy? Be still my heart. . . of course I can!
I wrapped those pastel pink, green, yellow and blue curlers tight in her head and the next morning when we took them out Chanelle exclaimed, I look like a princess!
That same day, the tea set that had been packed away since last school year made a reappearance and the girls enjoyed an afternoon tea together. . .
Oh, don’t get me wrong. We are not all girlie all the time. My girls know how to keep up with the best of them. We’ve done our fair share of exploring in the woods (hence, the poison ivy), digging in the dirt, and expelling excess energy in any way possible.
When I look over my personal history there is not one change I regret. True, most every change, except marrying Chad, I initially resisted. But in the end I’ve found change to be exciting, stretching, and a step toward the next thing in life. What is it they say? The only thing that is constant in life is change? It’s so true. For me, however, I require an adjustment period that allows me to bid a proper farewell to what was, while taking the scenic route to what is.
I think that’s okay.
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*Without going into detail right now, the choices we’ve made regarding Charlie’s schooling keeps him away from home for longer than a normal school day and limiting time with him even more.
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Have a Wonderful Labor Day Weekend!
I feel for you, Summer — I am also one of those people who "doesn't do change well". Sending you some hugs to help you get through the next while. Be gentle on yourself — it really is okay to take your time in getting to a new place. One day you'll arrive there, smiling.
I'm glad you and your sweet girls have been having some quiet fun together. 🙂
Oh, and I hope Charlie has been enjoying his new experiences in grade 1!
Summer, I'm so sorry I have been absent for so long. I do check and sometimes have time to read and sometimes not, but today I read every word and love your Chanelle who looks like Marilyn with her curly blonde locks. I hate change to and often go in kicking and screaming only to discover in the end, "oh, this is much better!" Do take care and I hope you feel better soon. ;->
I can't even imagine how hard this is for you (and Chanelle too!).
I love Chanelle's princess hair. That is awesome!
I also love seeing C & M bonding together. So sweet! Does it remind you somewhat of C&C when they were younger? Watching E and V together does that for me. Sigh.
You know how much I enjoy change as well, heck, I about cry just when the kids go home in the evening, but this afternoon Charlie and I were talking about this very subject and he said he wished that "time could just slow down, even a little for like two hours". Priceless that is! K…..going to get a hanky.
(Disclaimer…I am a hot mess and aplogize for the lengthy and perhaps crazy comment.You have been warned.)
The words you typed in this post are the same thoughts in my head these last few weeks.My babies start first grade this coming Tuesday.I am missing them already and they haven't even had their first day yet.The logical part of my brain knows that this is the next step.That it will be good for them to grow.That we will all be fine and adjust to this new life just fine.But my tender heart is sad and breaking knowing that they will no longer be with me all day.That I will no longer be the buffer between them and the world.I cry thinking of my sensitive girls feeling sad during the day and I can't fix it or hug and kiss it better.I even cry thinking of them having great things happen during the day, and I won't be there to share it with them.So Tuesday I will be brave and walk them into school for their first big day…and then I will cry the whole drive to work, and probably longer. Wow, sorry Summer…not sure what came over me…didn't expect this comment to be so…intense. If you would like to block me as a follower, I will understand 🙂
Oh, Marice. I get it. I completely get it. Oh, do I ever get it. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone and that all of us Mama's out there are doing the best we can to make it through this. Just know that you aren't alone and I feel the same as we transition to all that is new. Oh, I will be thinking about you Tuesday. . . I really, really will. You take care of yourself and know that there is a Mama out there who feels so much the same way you feel. AND knows that they and we will be better for this transition. . .
Sigh. . .
Hey girl, I am just now catching up with you in the blog world. I feel ya! I had to say goodbye to all 3 of my kiddos. The days seem so weird without them here during the day. As much as I love some quiet, my heart aches for the days we were all cooped up together. I found myself looking though photos from a couple years ago and cried a river of tears. Make me teary eyed as I type this (and as I read your words on this post).
Hope you are enjoying the extra long weekend with the hubby and kiddos. Sending you lots of hugs (and hope to give you a real one SOOON!).
love
JoEllen
Oh Summer . . . I think all of us moms can relate to what you are going through. I'll never forget when Kristi was in college and had come home for the weekend. She had headed out the door to go back to college, got a few miles down the road and remembered something she had forgotten. When she walked in the door, she found me on the couch just crying away. I'll never forget her saying, "Really mom, you still do this." Yep…I know the feeling. Now she is the "Teacher" in First Grade, has a baby of her own that is very hard to leave, and really has an understanding for all parents going through the anxiety of leaving their little ones. Stay strong and keep writing and taking pics. . . you do such an awesome job.
Cheryl
Oh, Cheryl. Thank you for sharing this. In all reality, it's nice to know that these are "normal" feelings. Feelings that so many of us feel and while there is nothing we can do to change it. . . hearing the stories of others makes it okay. So thank you for taking the time to share and be real. Your words are appreciated. . . .
I recently found your blog and I want to tell you that I really enjoy your honest, thoughtful posts. Today I feel compelled to comment…it's something I rarely do. Change is hard for me too, but I agree with you that it is good. Hard and good…like much of life. Your children are absolutely precious and it is evident how much you adore them.
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