Self Care

This place matters to me.  Really, from the day I nervously wrote my first post, nearly two years ago, I have made it a priority to come here and just talk.  This venue has opened up my world in ways I never would have imagined when my Chatter began.  Certainly, I am not one of the “big” bloggers out there, but this little space has introduced me to new friends and connected me with old ones.  It has given me a voice where before I remained mostly silent.  I’ve been able to record our story and capture our memories.  Strangely, my venture through the blogosphere has opened my life to discover new passions and chase new dreams.  The return on investment has been huge.

More than anything coming to this space has allowed me to sort through my thoughts.  It’s allowed me to iron out the chaos that is sometimes always in my head.  Just as going on a run gifts me with a clear mind, somehow dancing my fingers over the keyboard helps me find perspective. 

When I come to this place, I do everything I can to be honest.  To present myself and my thoughts in an authentic manner.  To be true to who I am and specifically, where I am.  Lately, the only way I can describe where I’ve been is to say that my mind has been in a blender.  You know that whirling, swirling sound of the blender?  The obnoxiously loud buzz that occurs when you throw a bunch of produce in the jar and turn it on high?  You can’t really distinguish what’s going on in there, you just know a lot is going on.  That blender?  That would be me.  It hasn’t been that constant buzz all of the time.  Every now and then my mind goes to “pulse” mode giving a momentary break in the chaos, before returning to the chaos once again.

Honestly, friends, it’s ridiculous. 

Just yesterday, after pre-heating the oven, I opened the oven door to heat up lunch only to find that the cookies I had baked the day before were still in there.  Needless to say, they were burnt to a crisp.  If that’s not bad enough, Friday I opened the door to the pantry to get the peanut butter only to find that I had put a 3/4-full open jar of mayo in the pantry the day before.  This was the second time this has happened in the last two weeks. 

No, I’m not joking.

Truly, my little mishaps are quite funny.  I’m not afraid to laugh at myself. . . and I do. . . often.  When I look a little deeper, though, I realize that things are out of whack.  That if I can’t remember to pull cookies out of the oven or put the mayo in the fridge (twice), I’m doing too much.  More importantly, I’m missing too much. 

Over the last several weeks the “to-dos”, “to-gos”, “to-sees” have taken priority over the “to-bes”.  Somehow, I have been fooled by the idea that if I can just get a little ahead then I will slow down enough to be.  When I’m really honest with myself I realize that there will always be something else to do, somewhere else to go, something else to cross off the list.  In this moment I see that if I’m always chasing the “something”, I will absolutley miss the now’s.  And really?  The now is pretty stinkin’ good.

I write about this here because somehow writing here holds me accountable.  Somehow, declaring to my audience of _____ that I am going to try to change some things makes it real.  It makes me want to do it.  It reminds me throughout the week to check myself. . . to let the laundry go. . . to not fret about the crumbs on the kitchen floor. . . to, well, you name it. . . To let go. 

These days are going by so fast and I don’t want to look back someday and say well, at least my to-do list was always crossed off.  Truth is, if I lived the rest of my life like I’ve lived the last few weeks that’s what I would have.  A completed to-do list, but an inability to say that I was fully present.

It’s time to slow down.  It’s time to put first things first. 

And first things, first means different things for different people.  Maybe it means taking time to read a few pages of a good book.  Maybe it means taking time to soak in a bubble bath.  Maybe it’s taking an afternoon nap or taking a walk simply to smell the roses.  Maybe it saying yes to someone or even saying no.  Maybe it means all of these things (and more) on different days.

Maybe what I’m trying to say is that self care is important if I’m really going to take good care of them. . .

And more than anything, I want to take good care of them.

I have to take care of me.

And what that means for me is slowing down.  Taking a deep breath.  Slowing down my gait to notice my surroundings.  To drink in the beauty of the simple things. . .

To marvel at the marvelous. . .

To wonder at the wonderful. . .

This is her ‘What up, dogg’, pose

And to count my blessings every. single. day.

Because really, I want these memories captured in more than photographs.  I want them captured in my heart.