She’s calling me Mommy.
Yesterday I was Mama. Today, I’m Mommy.
I’m not okay with that.
On Sunday evening she ran up to me and handed me the flip cam. The camera has been missing for months and I know she didn’t even know what it was. Girlfriend can spot an electronic device from across the room, though. She reached up toward me and did her little grunting thing indicating she wanted to play with the “toy”. I plopped down in the middle of the kitchen floor while Meadow made herself comfortable on my lap.
I flipped the camera on and the scene that played before us was one that I wasn’t expecting. Together we sat and watched as a tiny dark-haired baby girl was cradled gently by her big brother just one day after her birth. I stared at the screen and watched Charlie smile a wide eyed grin as he looked down at his newest baby sister who, at that time, he called “The Baby”.
For some reason, that day still feels like yesterday. It was more than a year and a half ago and she has grown and changed and developed her own little personality, and yet I’m not sure how the time passed. Just the other day I said to Chad, she still feels new–I can’t believe she’s been with us for over a year and a half. I wonder when will that feeling end. She’s the baby, but she’s not a baby anymore.
A walk through any store or a commercial heard on the radio will not let me live in denial. I see it and hear it everywhere. . . Back to School. . . Seriously? How did this happen? Just saying the words forces me to swallow hard against the lump that forms in my throat.
Soon the evenings of lingering outdoors and unstructured days will be gone. Soon Charlie will get back into routine and Chanelle will be away from me more than ever before. Soon, like so many others, we will experience yet another transition. A transition that is coming all too fast for this Mama Mommy.
Parenting. It’s such a mix of push and pull and give and take. There are moments when I feel on the very edge of sanity and the only thing I want to do is run and hide and have a little space. There are days when I think if I hear the word Mama one more time I may need to be committed. There are days when I think I’ve lost myself in the sea of constant questions, dirty laundry, handprints on the windows and crumbs on the floor. There are days when I think these days will go on forever. . .
. . . and I write “Kindergarten Open House” on the calender. . .
. . . and he goes to soccer camp.
And that’s when I feel it. The push and the pull. The holding on and the letting go. It goes so fast and it goes so slow. The want to dive in and the need to run away. They both exist, but in the end I recognize how fleeting these days are.
I hate it and I love it. Watching them grow is so beautiful. Letting them go is so difficult. I have no choice, I know. I’ll watch them go and when they turn their backs, I’ll cry. In the meantime, I’m going to do everything I can to train this one. . .
. . . to call me Mama.
The newness still hasn't worn off for me. I'm still constantly amazed by my children, and even though I'm looking at being a Momma for almost 2 decades now (gulp!), I feel like we just brought Meghan home this morning. And dear Lord, don't even get me started on Joey—he's all kinds of brand new to me!
"All kinds of brand new to me". I love that, Katie.
I must say that I am SO glad that the 'newness' doesn't wear off!
When did Meadow get so big? I mean, really? Am I in denial? I look at V and still see a little toddler/baby…I look at Meadow and see a little girl. No way. Really. NO WAY. Maybe it's the pig tails?
I don't like it either. I am in TOTAL DENIAL about K and preschool in a few months. I can't handle it. I think about it and get a lump in my throat and cry. Every time I allow myself to even go there in thought. I think I tell Steve about once every week that I am going to homeschool, because K is just too much, too soon. Steve rolls his eyes, because he knows that would push me over the edge. 😉 Ha. Letting go…it's SO HARD! 🙁
Excited to see you soon!
Beautiful photos.
Oh S. The homeschool discussion. Yes, we've had it often. However, I know it's a dreamworld that I'm not equipped to handle. I'm so glad to have other's who are right there with me–in the thick of it.
We shall cry together my friend.
Oh Summer.
I don't know if I am just overly emotional right now, but I teared up through this. I think it is because Henry is approaching 2 and this second year has gone FAR faster then the first and the changes they make happen so fast. I swear, every couple weeks Henry changes.
The push and pull, going fast and going slow….it is SO true. Some days I just want to freeze moments and never leave them and some moments I want to speed everything up and am going crazy!! 🙂
I think the reality has started setting in that I am not sure if we will have another child and it is sinking in and I am trying to cherish this time, those little moments. The cuddles, the looks, the glimmers of a "baby face" he makes on occasion, those tiny moments where he is still my baby. *sigh*
And Meadow. Seriously, she IS growing so much. I noticed a few months ago this change from baby to toddler. And I agree with S., perhaps it is the pig tails but she does look like such a little girl 🙂 And school right around the corner…really?!?! Obviously H. is not there yet, but he does start school three days a week in the fall and I feel that is huge! 🙂 haha
When did time move so fast?!
OH J, thank you for your always understanding words. The "last" thing is such a hard thing to wrap our heads around–and I imagine even more if that "last" is the first.
Sigh.
Drink in these days before the chaos of school schedules strikes. Drink. them. in.
Meadow continues to melt my heart! It's gotta big those pigtails that's making her look all grown up (take them out! Just kidding!). 🙂 She will always be your baby, no matter how old she is. But I know how you feel! Even though Maylee is 20 seconds younger than Breckin, she is definitely the baby of our family! It has always felt that way. I find myself cuddling with her extra longer, just because I know she's growing into a lil lady. I no longer discourage the thumb in her mouth that she seems to think tastes better when Mama is snuggling with her! This Mom thing can be tough. Sigh.
Love you Sum,
JoEllen
The baby is the baby, right? Even if just by minutes. I agree, J, this Mom thing IS tough.
I have been a reader here for quite some time now. Your photography inspires me and your words always hit so close to home. My two year old son called me Mommy for the first time yesterday and all I could think was NOOOOOO. "Watching them grow is so beautiful. Letting them go is so difficult" Nothing prepares you for the pushes and pulls of Motherhood.