What goes up and down but never moves?
That was the riddle I carefully printed on a small piece of paper and taped on top of the Tupperware that contained Charlie’s sandwich. Below the riddle I had drawn an arrow directing him to turn the paper over.
Stairs, the paper read.
I placed the sandwich container inside the lunch box and zipped it shut. I’m totally scoring some cool Mom points with this one, I thought to myself.
When Charlie returned home from school my question came immediately. . . what goes up and down but never moves?
He gave me a half smile before darting his eyes away and attempting to cover the upturn of his lips. Stairs, he answered without acknowledging where he had come up with his brilliant answer.
While we were at dinner I attempted to bring up the subject again–I deserved some kind of badge for my surprise taped to his lunch, didn’t I? Oh, did I mention the Hershey’s kiss I had also placed in his lunch? Yep, I’m completely deserving of one of those Mother of the Year awards for sure.
He gave nothing.
My son–he’s growing up. He’s way to cool to admit that his Mom might be just a little bit cool.
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At first, I was okay with it. I thought to myself, well, he’s a boy, I should probably give him his space. What is funny, though, is that he never neglects to give me a hug. Morning wake up is always followed with a hug. When he comes in from school he does not pass go, he does not collect $200, he makes a bee line for Mama to back in for a hug. In my mind I hear the beep, beep, beep of a large semi as it backs into a driveway.
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But one day I asked myself the question–does it have to be this way? Do I have to let him lead and find contentment in backward hugs, which I fear will lead to distance between? I decided that I don’t have to give up just yet. So you know what I did? The next time he approached me and turned away to present his back for a hug I grabbed his shoulders, turned him around, wrapped his arms around my neck, embraced him and said, if you want to hug other people like that, it’s okay, but I get real hugs.
Guess what happened? He obliged. He turned toward me, smiled, and hung from my neck. And you know what? It’s been that way ever since. Granted, there are times when I have to remind him–but he never fights it.
This got me thinking. It got me thinking about the choices I do and will make as a parent. Choices to let go and choices to hold on. I’ve never had a teenager, but I’ve been one and I have known a lot of them. I know that it is a natural tendency to put distance between parent and child. But I can’t help but wonder if, as a parent, I let them know that it’s okay to stay close–maybe they will??
I know there are difference seasons of life–seasons of closeness and distance. Season’s of dependence and independence. I guess I’m just wondering if the “traditional” seasons have to be the recipe or if maybe a new formula can be found. A formula with a bit less contrast.
I’m really not sure. I’m chewing on all of this. In a few years when their doors are closed, I’m going to remember that hug and I’m going to knock on their doors and I’m going to walk inside and I’m going to make sure they know I’m here. Because as an adult there is one thing I understand–we never really outgrow our need for Mom and Dad.
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Speaking of seasons. . .
We’ve had all four of them in the last week and a half. Need proof?
Winter. . .
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Coats, hats, gloves and boots.
This was Saturday.
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Spring
Shoes off, bare feet, spring rains, no jackets. This was last Monday and Thursday.
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Summer
These were taken last Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday.
Spring dresses, sunscreen, and lots of green grass!
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Fall
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| This never would have happened with the other two. . . |
Getting chillier. Warmer clothes, but no gloves needed. Nice low sun and brown leaves on the ground.
These were taken last Friday and Monday.
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Don’t you wish you lived in Ohio?
Like I said. . . Seasons. . .
Irregardless of the weather, my girls have determined that through wind or rain or sleet or snow. . .
. . . they are going to look good in it. . .
Have a great Thursday!
Interesting thought. Hmmm…I remember being a teen (probably a really hard one to live with. Ha.) and shutting my door, wanting that alone time. But, looking back…would I have minded if my parents would have come in, sat down and asked me what was on my mind? Listened? Nope. Not at all. That's probably what I needed the most. An understanding ear. I think it's hard to be a parent to a teen. They are growing up, experimenting. It's hard to view them as mini-adults and not 'babies' any more. Just because they are thinking of things, questioning things, doesn't necessarily mean they are 'doing' things. Just means they need an open ear to get their feelings and thoughts out. I'll have to bookmark this and remember it myself when my kids (especially my girls. Oy!) are older.
I agree with you, S. I think a listening ear will be so important. I was saying to Chad the other day how intentional we will have to be to stay connected with their (likely) tendency to pull away. I can't say that I'm looking forward to those closed doors, however, I do understand them. 🙂
Raising teen agers, in my opinion, really isn't that hard. Instead it's been an amazing, wonderful journey seeing them form their own opinions on Life and religion. When our daughter was a sophomore in high school, she and I were having a conversation about church and religion and spiritualism. It was fascinating to hear her ideas and views on the topics, just fascinating. We're not a church going family, never really have been (I think I'm rebelling against my strict church upbringing I endured as a child), but I made sure the kids could always come to us with any questions or wonderings they might have (I had a wonderful discussion about God and Satan and Good and Evil with the kids one night at dinner when Joey was 3 and Meg was 9. I finally got up for pencil and paper and began writing everything down so I wouldn't forget).
Anyway back to that night when she was 15, Meghan asked what I would think if she became Jewish or Muslim because both those religions really intrigued and interested her. I kinda stopped for a minute, but then w/o hesitation replied that by all means, if she wanted to join either of those groups, then she'd have our full support and understanding.
I think the key to raising teen agers is to give them space, but also let them know that you are there for them. Also, to treat them as equals in life, not necessarily burden them with adult matters, but ask their opinions on current affairs, their favorite classes and teachers, their favorite books and music, what they think about church, religion, ask about their friends, hang out with them in their rooms at nights. But most of all, laugh. Let them know joy and love and security, and you'll get through those "angst ridden teen age years" smiling.
And btw, I haven't had a proper, genuine Kid Kiss from Joey since he was 2. ; )
Katie, I love your perspective. I love your stories. And I have SO enjoyed hearing about your experiences. Thank you for sharing this. What a gift you have given to Meghan and Joey in being a safe place for them to process, grow, and develop. It sounds like you have stuck a pretty great balance between letting go and holding on.
Oh, and age 2?? Ugh.
Boys.
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