My Secret

It felt like my dirty little secret.  Like something I had to hide from the world because if the world knew I would be viewed as ungrateful, terrible, selfish, a terrible mother.  I told just a few people. . . my sister, Lisa, and Chad, of course, but otherwise, I kept it to myself. 

It was there from the beginning.  From the first moments I saw that positive sign on the test the thought was there. . . the hope was there.  Of course, when people asked me I gave the politically correct asnwer. . . it doesn’t matter to me, as long as it’s healthy.  Well meaning people made comments about how it doesn’t really matter what you have because you already have your boy and your girl.  I smiled and nodded but remained silent because inside I was screaming.  Inside the thoughts were loud and clear. . . Maybe it will be a girl. . . No, I hope it will be a girl.  Oh, how I hope. 

Chanelle was three at the time and I longed for her to have what I had. . . Oh, how I wanted her to have a sister.  My daydreams began pretty quickly.  Giggling girls playing with baby dolls, playing house and school.  Trading clothes and secrets.  Even though Chanelle was so small, I still saw big sister leading little sister and little sitter willingly trailing.  I dreamed of two girls standing in the bathroom hitting elbows as they do their hair together and squabbles breaking out over nothing at all. 

On November 17th last year I waited with almost more anticipation than my adrenaline laden heart could handle when after one giant push I heard the words I longed to hear. . . it’s a girl!

Tears of joy ran down my face as I looked to my left and met the eyes of my own sister before I exclaimed, I knew it!  I knew it was a girl! I just knew it!  My sister’s eyes said what I know we were both thinking. . . Sisters. . .

It started out as a tiny seed planted in the secret places of my heart.  Right or wrong it was there. . . I so longed to watch my girls grow together and experience the kind of deep bond that only sisters share.  The we-have-our-ups-and-downs-but-no-matter-what-I-have-your-back-through-anything kind of relationship. 

What started as a tiny seed in the depths of my heart is slowly, but ever so surely, blooming into something real, tangible, and beautiful.  I really started paying attention and noticing it last week when I saw this scene. . .

Actually, I didn’t even notice it at first.  My back was turned away from my girls talking to my MIL when she nodded her head in the direction of the piano.  When I saw the two of them sitting there with their arms wrapped about each other I couldn’t believe my eyes.  It was as if my Mama dreams were coming true right before my very eyes.

I’m not sure if there has been a turning point or if I’m just now really paying attention to it, but it seems that each time I turn around I see these two doing their sister thing.  Just the other morning, I left Chanelle and Meadow in the living room while I went to the kitchen to fix lunch.  I was lost in my own thoughts until I heard chatter coming from the living room.

I peeked around the corner and watch as Chanelle played with, talked to, taught, fed, helped, and enjoyed time with her little sister.

I watch Chanelle as she very intentionally takes great care to make sure that her sister is entertained and happy.  How she has begun calling Meadow “Sweet Girl” and “Little Meadow”.  I watch from afar and wonder how my “little” girl is so quickly becoming my “big” girl.

But she is.  She’s my big girl who is so obviously adored by her younger sister. 

Meadow is always aware of where Chanelle is.  She has learned to crank her head and twist her body any way she can just to keep her eyes glued to her sister.  I get such pleasure watching Meadow watching Chanelle.

Without a doubt, though, the feelings are very mutual.

It’s funny what has happened as I’ve watched these two form a relationship.  More and more I hear the beautiful words escaping my mouth. . . “the girls”.  I’ve said it before, but recently it’s become more real. . . the beautiful sister bond is forming. . .

I’m not naive enough to believe that their relationship will be perfect.  I have no doubt that they will have their days when they would rather not set eyes on each other.  They will have days when they are tired of being “big” sis or “little” sis.  I also have no doubt that there will be days when they hole up in their room together and vent to each other about how lame of a mom I am and how being hatched from an egg would be better than to share my DNA.  They will likely have differences that can not be bridged and interests that are night and day.  I know that’s part of sisterhood.

When push comes to shove though, my hope is that Chanelle and Meadow will share a bond as unbreakable and as beautiful as the bond I have with my own sister.  A bond that carries with it a quiet knowing that no matter where you are in the world and what is going on in life there is always a sister-friend who will drop everything and have your back. No matter what.

Eight months ago my heart would have soared with happiness at the arrival of a little boy, but I can admit it. . .

. . . this Mama is pretty thrilled to be raising sisters.