About eight years ago, I was required to sit in front of a video camera and tell an unknown person why they should accept me into their graduate program. I recall the afternoon vividly. It was a Monday–the day Chad and I had off work. I remember sitting on a chair in the living room of our small apartment while Chad sat on the other side of the camera. I remember staring into the black hole that was the camera lens and feeling one thing and only one thing. . . fear.
Looking into that camera made me physically ill. As I sat on that hard chair, I shed buckets of tears while Chad stared helplessly. (It seriously takes a special guy to put up with me.) I’m sure I confused him by my dramatic outburst. Truthfully, I confused myself.
What was I afraid of?
You know what it was? I was afraid of my own reflection. The thought of looking at myself on video was, to put it mildly, terrifying. I didn’t want to look at myself. I didn’t want to hear myself. I didn’t want to have to face to reality that was, well, me.
It seems so silly now. So vain. But that is where I was. I remember packing up that tape and shipping it in the mail without ever reviewing it. I just couldn’t do it.
Fast forward several years and here I am taking part in a project in which I am required to sit in front of the camera and take my own picture. Not only that, but I have to look at it, process it, face it. The girl that sat in the living room of that small apartment all that time ago would never believe where she would find herself toay. In fact, if she were told that in the future she would voluntarily place herself in front of the camera, her tears would immediately turn to hysterical laughter. She just wouldn’t believe it.
I’m not saying that I’m completely comfortable in this project, but I think that’s part of what this journey is about. Facing fears and celebrating the road traveled. Who I was then is not who I am now. Who you are today is not who you will be tomorrow. My fears today. . . may not be my fears tomorrow.
I think that’s pretty awesome.
"who I was then is not who I am now"…so powerful and true those words are- and exactly what I needed to read! 🙂
Can't tell you how much I relate to that story you shared of your fear…I have felt like that before and it's so hard to figure out.
you are so inspiring! hugs! 🙂
What a great story of breaking through barriers. Thanks for sharing. ;->
You are beautiful…I always love your thoughts and words. Inspiring.
LOVE that photo.
this remains the same: you were my dear treasured friend then, you are a source of joy and support now, and you will be making me laugh and standing by my side to the very end (and vice-versa!). love you, always.
I would have been the same and prob still would. But so true on that we are not the same we are and o change, facing our fears. Knowing yes I can! ESP with God and the people he surrounds us with.
I would have been the same and prob still would. But so true on that we are not the same we are and o change, facing our fears. Knowing yes I can! ESP with God and the people he surrounds us with.