Negative

I got the call today. . . the one we’ve been waiting for. . .

“Your test results are in. . . They are negative.”

I hung up the phone and like waves of an ocean during a violent storm, the emotions came rushing toward me. . .

Relief, sadness, exhaustion, frustration, joy, anger, fear, confusion. . . to name a few.  It seems crazy, I know.  Of course you would assume the only emotion I would feel is utter relief.  I was surprised, myself, by the torrent of feelings that flowed. 

As quickly as the emotions came, the tears were not far behind.  Not the slow, silent, gentle sort of tears.  No, these were real tears.  Tears that blinded my sight and took my breath away.  Tears that are difficult to understand. . . tears that I am still trying to understand.  Tears that continue to flow, even now.  Maybe it’s just exhaustion.  I haven’t slept much at all over the last few weeks. . . since they used the word with me. . . The cancer word.  It could be that.  I think it’s more, though.

Over the past couple of weeks I have felt like I was being dangled by the slight thread of a rope over the Grand Canyon.  I was just hanging and waiting.  Helpless.  It wasn’t just me, though.  It was Chad. . . it was my family. . . it was my close friends.  There we were. . . all of us. . . hanging on a tiny thread and holding our breath. . .

Today, we were pulled to safety.  Today we exhaled and sucked in huge gulps of air when we found out. . . your tests were negative. 

So, why are my emotions so mixed?  Part of it is because, sometimes crossing something off a list only leads to more questions.  And part of it is because I feel like all of the last week, the surgery, the worry, the fear, the cost was just wasted time.  And part of it, I think, is because I realize that I’m one of the lucky ones.  Even as I sit here tonight, I wonder how many people ended their waiting today, but with different results.  How many are pulling their knees into their chests and wondering how they are going to get through it.  It happens, all the time, I know.  It’s happened in our family and it has probably happened in yours. . .

. . . I wish it never had to happen. 

And so I sit here tonight overcome with relief by the results of my tests, but also filled with questions that don’t really have answers.  I have come to understand that none of us are exempt from hardships.  None of us will make our way through this life without scars.  There is no rhyme or or reason. . . your struggle is this one, mine is that one.  And so goes life. . .

My mind is on over-load with thoughts tonight.  I could go on, and I will. . . but not tonight.  I’m exhausted and I think I’m going to sleep tonight. . . finally.  There will be more from this, I am certain. 

Before I close I want to say thank you to all of you who have reached out to me through this blog, email, phone calls and texts.  Thank you to those who have poured out love and support through our waiting.  My heart has been warmed and it overflows with feelings of love and thankfulness to those of you who have come along side of us. 

Thank you is so inadequate. . . but it’s all I have.